life.

Do ya ever feel like life just sucks? Like what's gonna go wrong will go wrong at the worst possible time and there is nothing you can do to stop it? A very close friend of mine said something the other day that I decided to steal. I just wish I could get away from it all. Me and God, royal servants style. go work out the kinks. I feel like lately, the harder i try the harder i fail. Actually i feel like i fail at a lot lately. It's not like I'm giving up at life, It's just that life seems to hate me right now. My life feels like the very beautiful, very depressing song porcelain heart:

Porcelain Heart lyrics

Broken heart one more time 
Pick yourself up, why even cry 
Broken pieces in your hands 
Wonder how you'll make it whole 

[Chorus:]
You know, you pray 
This can't be the way 
You cry, you say 
Something's gotta change 
And mend this porcelain heart of mine 

Someone said "A broken heart 
Would sting at first then make you stronger" 
You wonder why this pain remains 
Were hearts made whole just to break 

Creator only You take brokenness 
And create it into beauty once again

That song seems to describe my life. "broken heart/one more time/pick yourself up/why even cry/broken pieces in your hands/wonder how you'll make it whole." that's how life is getting to feel. pick yourself back up, dust off...why even cry, it's just gonna hurt again. and then the next part of the song? "you wonder why/this pain remains/were hearts made whole/just to break". It feels like every time my heart heals something else happens. everytime i finally feel ready to tackle life again, something hits me outta the blue and i am down for the count. however, when that happens, there's another song that perfectly describes the process. 

Never Alone lyrics

I waited for you today
But you didn't show
No no no
I needed You today
So where did You go?
You told me to call
Said You'd be there
And though I haven't seen You
Are You still there?

[Chorus:]
I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I"m never alone

And though I cannot see You
And I can't explain why
Such a deep, deep reassurance
You've placed in my life

We cannot separate
'Cause You're part of me
And though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen

[Chorus]

We cannot separate
You're part of me
And though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen

[Chorus]

The first part of the song describes how i just said i feel. "I waited for you today/but you didn't show/no no no/i needed you today/so where did you go/you told me to call/said you'd be there/and though i cannot see you/are you still there?" that's how i feel. like I'm soo alone. but then the song goes on to p reach a message of hope. "I cried out with no reply/and i can't feel you by my side/so i'll hold tightly to what i know/you're here/and i'm never alone." Everytime I feel like life has me 'chained in a dungeon of despair' (so poetic, I know) and I feel so alone, like no one cares, right when i start to give up and slip away God bursts through the door and breaks the chains of depression. He sweeps me up into his strong arms like the proverbial knight in shining armor and carries me to a safe place. He protects me from harm until he knows that i am strong enough to carry on, and then he becomes my once again invisible companion, loyal to a fault, untangible, but yet always there when I need him. (wow, I feel really poetic)

Somehow just typing this out helped me. Reminded me that he is my invisible loyal companion and protector. so, in conclusion, i say (or rather type) the words of many wise men before me.

Lord I believe, now help my unbelief. 

-me