Peter...what a great role-model!

Hello, Bloggy-World! 


At the risk of sounding too negative, I really wanted to share my heart with you guys. I think that transparency about struggles and shortcomings is healthy all the way around. So, here goes. :)


I've been relating a lot with Peter lately. You know, the guy in the Bible that everyone loves to hate? Most of us at one time or another have thought something along the lines of "Peter, you idiot!" or, "Well, *I* would never deny Jesus three times like that!" C'mon, now, you know I'm right. So maybe you can understand why, when I think of great Biblical examples to identify with or emulate, Peter is not really at the top of my list. That brings me back to my current problem: I really identify with Peter right now!


See, Peter had some (potentially) great qualities. He was quick to action. He was close to Jesus. He loved Jesus. Unfortunately, that's not why I "get" him. It's because...he doubted. He fell asleep. He denied. 


When I started praying about this trip to Nepal, it was all I could think about. "I'm going to spend 7 weeks loving Jesus and serving Jesus and getting closer to Jesus and helping people and AHHHHHHHHH!" When I signed up, it was more of the same. "I cannot wait to have my own Discipleship Group, and I'm going to grow so much, and oh-my-goodness it's going to be *amazing*!" 


Now don't get me wrong. I still believe all those things are true, and I am convinced that I am called to Nepal this summer. As often happens, however, excitement dies down and the Enemy moves in. 


"Are you sure this is a good idea? Are you really supposed to go? Where do you suppose all that money is going to come from? You don't have it. Your parents don't have it. I bet you it won't even all come in." At this point, I immediately begin "taking every thought captive" (2 Cor. 10:5) and fighting the enemy with prayer and faith declarations. I have this tendency, however, to be extremely hard on myself. And that's where I begin to identify with Peter. 


I feel a lot like the Peter who stepped out of the boat. So excited God would use me, so excited he would bless me with these things...until I begin to see the waves. 


Wave: God, what about the money?
Wave: God, I don't have a single dollar towards my trip yet. 
Wave: God, I have to buy a plane ticket too! Where's that money coming from???
Wave: The money is never going to come in. I'm not even going to be able to go. 
Wave: What's gonna happen to your skin in Nepal? Hmmmmm? Your eczema does SO well in hot, sweaty environments (*dripping sarcasm*) 
Wave: God, I'm not even ready to lead a d-group. 
Wave: I'm so scared.


And on and on and on they go. Doubt. Fear. Frustration. And sometimes, I feel Jesus whisper in his kind, still small voice to my heart. "“You of little faith...why did you doubt?” (Mt. 14:31) He's come through before, three times! Once for my Royal Servant's trip, twice for my brother's! How dare I doubt? He's come through before, again and again. Why would he stop now? Why would he ask me to do something outside of my own power, and then not meet me in my place of lack? Why would he ever let me fall? 


I'm trying so hard to hang on to his promises. But, as I mentioned, I feel a lot like Peter probably felt. Stupid for doubting. Crazy for taking my eyes off Him. I thank God that His "power is made perfect in weakness" (2 Cor. 12:9), because sometimes I'm not strong enough to stand. 


I hope I haven't sounded too negative. I'm not trying to be. But I desperately need your prayers, especially for the funding to come in. Oh, how I look forward to the day when I can look back and laugh at this version of me, saying "How silly I was to think God wouldn't come through!" 


Praying, hoping, expecting, 
Theresa